No Progress = Good?
We are taught throughout our lives that we have to make “PROGRESS”. We have to keep growing and changing in order to progress. Progress is deemed one of the most vital and measurable actions we have/take. Walking? Spelling? Sports? Driving? All require us to make immense progress in order to become acceptable or even experts in a given task. We anxiously await feedback from teachers, bosses and parents wondering if we have made enough progress. Have we changed, grown and adapted enough to meet or exceed their expectations?
Progress is, by definition, perceived as a positive thing.
Progress(n): forward or onward movement toward a destination. The act of moving toward a goal
Progress(v): move forward or onward in space or time. To develop to a higher, better, or more advanced stage
Now imagine that your goal is NO PROGRESS. Your goal is to hear “there is no progress to be seen here today.” You want people to see NO progress in you. Suddenly the idea of progress being a BAD thing is the complete opposite of all you’ve ever known. It’s the dream, the goal, the hope to make no progress at all. You work 24/7 365 to with the soul purpose to NOT change or grow or adapt or progress.
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Welcome to annual scans/tests of someone with a Chronic Illness. All you want to is hear is, “we see no progress…. in your disease.”
In these appointments I am looking to hear I have the laziest, most unremarkable, un-extraordinary brain the doctor has ever seen. In fact I want the scans to be the most boring thing they look at all day. No progress. That’s the goal.
My last brain and spinal cord scans were in September 2020. Those scans showed progress. Unfortunate, hurtful, unexplainable progress. They showed that I had more lesions on the brain than I did before. They showed that I had new lesions that meant my previous treatment was not the right one for me. I was heart broken. Progress is a bad thing now…. makes sense.
This was the first time in my over-achieving, Type-A, progress driven life that “progress” was something negative. Something to avoid at all costs. Progress felt dirty in this new context. I had never met progress that I wasn’t excited to work for, before this. So when the dr. said, “The MS has progressed in your brain, you have new lesions on the memory and emotion centers of your brain”, it felt like I had an identity crisis with the term “progress”
I have been ruminating on the idea of progress being both a negative AND a positive thing since those scans. Now “to make progress” is both a pro and a con depending on the context and the consequences. It’s certainly not something you learn about as you are cheered on over the years to change and grow and make relentless forward progress.
Now it’s June 2021. It’s time for my annual MS brain & spinal MRIs. I’ve borderline psyched myself out by the notion that progress isn’t a good thing here. Almost begging if not WILLING my brain to make no further progress… EVER.
My dr. called me with the results. By the grace of God, my scans showed NO PROGRESS of my Multiple Sclerosis on my brain and spinal cord. No change. My disease has not progressed since the last scans in September 2020.
I am so grateful to make ZERO progress. After all of my hard work, The relentless therapy, The complete emersion in the process , The constant search for alternative treatments ….. No progress is the best news I could have asked for.
I am not so naive as to assume that this is a guaranteed trend or a promised result each time. I have faith that I am doing my best, I am giving my all, and doing whatever it takes each day… to make NO PROGRESS.
What are you willing to do or change with the goal of never making any progress? Eating differently? Exercising more? Relaxing more? Sleeping more? Reading more? Laughing more? Working less? Stressing less?
Something to consider for all of us who view(ed) progress as a mandatory part of life. What if you had to avoid progress? Now what?
So that’s it for 2021 scans / tests. My current treatment (Chemotherapy) every 6 months is working for me. I have some work to do still with physical and mental health therapy to keep myself stable but I am feeling great. There has been some issues with pain in my bag, legs and hips, but overall the pain is something that is easily managed. I am grateful for my support system and my doctors for all we have been through in the last year. Cheers to this year behind us and the year ahead.
No progress and blessed,
Charlotte Raejole