My 1st MS-Aversary
A Letter to Myself,
Happy 1st MS Diagnosis Anniversary self,
How does it feel to be 1 year into your MS’ed Up Journey? Are you stronger than you thought you could be? Is it harder than you ever imagined? Is it impossible some moments, yet second nature the next? That self-motivation, drive and passion took you further-faster than you thought possible didn’t it…
I am so proud of the woman you are becoming. Who knew you could be so terrified and unsure and unprepared, yet also be completely at peace and full of strength and confidence to overcome at the same time.
This last year really took the wind out of your sails, didn’t it? I bet you are looking around for that wind to come back, huh? You’re wondering where the wind went and why your sails continue to hang limp… Why the willpower & passion to do more in the day or wake up earlier or workout more just isn’t there?
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I read once that willpower is a “finite resource” within you. It is a personal resource that is renewable but has limits to its output each day.
You wake up early, you study German, you pray, you walk Banksy for 45 - 60 mins and try to remember to do your daily stretch routine before starting a high stress day of work and leadership. By the time the evening roles around you are cooking, cleaning and settling into the couch for a breather. Don’t forget to walk Banksy for an hour before bed. By that time you aren’t sure where the willpower or time to work out is going to come from. So you don’t workout and the lbs. pile on and the extra boost willpower never comes. —— REPEAT ——
Between your MS, life stresses and dietary restrictions, that’s enough right? …. I agree, there just isn’t enough willpower leftover to get tighter abs, or fit into those skinny jeans, or get swim-suit season ready.
I hope you’re still proud of yourself though… I hope you see how amazing you are, regardless of which jeans don’t fit and which shirts are too tight now… You should be proud. You are enough. You do enough.
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You started therapy this year with a psychologist. About time…. am I right? You NEEDED HER. You needed someone to take on your pain, process it with you, put it into a box to unpack together. You felt like a burden by constantly sharing your pain and fears and questions with others. Finally you can unload onto someone without worrying about overwhelming others. You and your therapist have built a great partnership to rely on each other and trust the process to heal your mind and body and spirit. Please don’t give up, you’re just now getting to uncover who you are and process what you’re going through. Be patient with yourself.
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Friendly reminder, I don’t think you give yourself enough credit… You attack every issue head on without even flinching.
You can’t run anymore, so you walk 5-6 miles per day.
Caffeine is too much for your mind and heart so… only decaf coffee for you (yawns)
A Vegan diet helps reduce inflammation, so you went for it… 3 years in and your'‘re still loving it
Wheat & Grains are tough on your stomach so you went Gluten Free 6 months ago.
Alcohol gives you heart burn for days so you stick to Kombucha & Lemon Water.
Oats make your stomach super uncomfortable so those are a special treat only.
You were STILL having issues so you got an in-depth allergy test… SURPRISE, you’re allergic to corn… girl seriously like everything has corn in it these days! So far you haven’t been able to let go of the vegetable golden goodness of corn, but thats okay.
To top it off you found out you’re allergic to almost every tree and Penicillin… good thing you weren’t born in the 1800’s, you’d never have made it this far. ;)
With everything you have had to give up and change or sacrifice you don’t seem to complain. You have made peace with it. You’re proud that you will do whatever it takes to feel & be healthier and stronger… even if that means never having Taco Bell again :(
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My hope for this next year is that you settle into your acceptance of yourself and this body you live in. You aren’t quite ready to love yourself and accept where you are, but I beg you to keep pushing yourself. The last chapter to your life has not been written yet. You have the same amount of unknowns and uncertainty in your future as everyone else. Rock the bright orange and make your MS MESS your MESSAGE.
Please try to accept that your body is doing everything it can to keep up with your high standards, but remember that your willpower reserves are tapped. Either get bigger pants or get some solar-will-powered-panels because the energy and passion and drive that you have needs a bigger tank.
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Be Patient. Be strong. Be kind.
Find peace in the chaos and strength in your weaknesses.
Love always, Yourself