Given to.. Taken from.. Taught to… me

“Wow!!! I had no idea you were going through that… I am so sorry!”…. peoples reactions when I share that I have Multiple Sclerosis (MS).

It’s not that I expect them to say, “I KNEW IT!”, but my usual thought in response to them is…. “well, that’s okay… how would you know?”… I don’t have a limp, a cane, or a wheelchair. I don’t have any obvious outward signs of MS. MS is an invisible illness. Same as anxiety, depression, and many other diseases. How does anyone know what someone else is going through UNLESS we think to ask, think to share, and are willing to communicate our needs with others?

I don’t share it with others as a “woe is me… pity me” type of way, I try to share it with them so they can see not every illness or difficulty or struggle or pain presents itself in an overtly apparent way to others. Not everyone has a cast on their arm or a scar on their face to prove to the world they are in pain and struggling. Some people have an invincible mountain they climb every day just for the ability to say hello or walk or even get out of bed.

As part of living with MS, some days are smooth sailing and others are like a battle of willpower just to breath. In either case, both require a sense of strength, appreciation, acknowledgement and faith. We all have rollercoasters to ride, we all have fears, we all wonder how we will survive somedays. Just acknowledging & accepting that fact took me a year of therapy, and an act of God to move me forward.

As I was walking along this morning with my dog, I found myself wondering where I would be, who I would be, what would be different if I DIDN’T have MS. What has MS given to… taken from… taught to … ME over the last 567 days (19 months)? What are the things that one can ONLY KNOW AFTER they have something happen that changes everything in every way imaginable … and you know you’ll never be able to “go back” to who you were before?

I found no “absolute negatives” in my exploration of what would be different for me/us without MS.

I am sure I could list the obvious ones… less pain… less heart break…. of course no fear of potentially ending up in a wheelchair or one day not being able to run with or pick up my kids…. those are scary for anyone. But… if we’re honest even without MS those things are all possible outcomes in life. A car accident, a heart attack, an awkward fall down the stairs… all could result in those same terrifying realities that MS potentially offers me…. So those aren’t that scary to me since those fears are NOT exclusive to anyones with MS.

MS has given to and taken from me more good, positive, incredible things than I could ever have imagined possible.

GIVEN TO ME:

• A refreshed sense of purpose in my life. Not to be the 'peppy, everything is perfect one' .... but to be the 'honest, life hurts but it is worth it one'

• Trust in a process I have no control over but I can willingly take an active part in

• Faith that all things work together for good, eventually, even when it seems impossible 

• Hope that one day someone will see my blog posts as a sign that they will get through their struggle no matter how impossible that seems to them at that moment 

• An authentic passion to go above and beyond in my day to hear others needs ... and see their pain... and listen to their words... and ask to help 

TAKEN FROM ME:

• My invisibility cloak of wonder and dreams and perfection being achievable 

• My ability to take any day or moment or goal for granted, no matter how small

• Our relationships unrealistic expectations that everything is always going to be easy and perfect 

• The desire to work harder and push myself further when I need a break to care for myself or others 

• My willingness to miss out on any life moments of my family & friends

• My sense of entitlement to any level of happiness or success, without faith & prayer  

TAUGHT TO ME:

• Not all questions have answers 

• It is inevitable that bad days and relapses will come, but I have to be wiling to fight it and appreciate it in the same breath

• Not everyone will understand or want to know or care to ask

• I do NOT need everyone to join me on my MS'ed up journey. I can choose to go forward without them, happily

• Not every doctor is a right fit for me / you / my needs

• You have a vision for your life, but you have to be willing to reimagine & rebuild it with an open, welcoming, loving heart. Don't imagine your future in "sharpie", try a "pencil & eraser".... it will be easier that way. Life will evolve & change along the way. 

• There is no healing or growth without pain and change 

• You will never know what you’re capable of until you’re forced (not asked) FORCED to do something you never wanted to do in the first place. 

Your life will be incredible. Your life will have pain. You will be left with unanswered prayers and questions. It will not be easy… But I promise you, it will be worth it.

Charlotte Raejole