…In SICKNESS, and in HEALTH…

We met, we dated, we fell in love, … I got sick. Now it feels like our future wedding vows have a heavier weight and meaning to them, than most.

… For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health …

I assume most people get to share their vows on their wedding day under the veil of happiness and innocence of love. The invincibility and perfection in those moments are so pure and beautiful. Why spoil it with reality, right? After all… the “in sickness” part is supposed to be years, or decades away for most. When we say “I DO”, (ideally) we are in the “in-health” phase…. Don’t spoil it.

What a promise to make to someone else, isn’t it? Especially for those managing, battling, living with, hurting from a chronic illness. Mental, emotional, or physical ... in sickness & in health has so many possibilities for how they will transform us and impact us over the years. If you’re the sick one or the caregiver, we have to brace for and heal after and grow from the impacts. Whether or not we do that together & willingly & openly is what matters.

We promise. We say “in sickness”… right?

What about those of us that aren’t in the “health” phase as we prepare to make that promise to another? What about those of us who had that “veil” removed long before the vows were ever made? What do we do when we are already “in sickness”, and no longer have that moment of peace-filled, pure happiness, in-health? What do I do now that my “sickness” has tainted my health, our future, or even the possibility of that promise?

After my (MS) Diagnosis, I struggled with the idea of letting Anthony make that vow to me. “In Sickness” meant so much more suddenly. I had been with Anthony for 2 years when I got my diagnosis. We had already imagined & planned an incredible future. We had already envisioned how we would conquer the world together. He hadn’t even proposed yet, we hadn’t said “I DO”…. And suddenly that future was in question for me. How could I ever ask him to make that commitment to me. How could I ask him to promise “in sickness and in health” now that sickness had the reality of an MS diagnosis for me. I wouldn’t always be sick or look “sick”, but it (MS) would always be there, the possibility or likelihood or even guarantee that I would have to cash in my “in sickness” vows more than anyone hopes.

It felt like there were 2 options now. 1) We know what we’re up against, we are blessed to have this challenge present itself now and allow us to grow forward together… We can do it, together…. Or ….. 2) Now that I know what I’m up against I can’t put that on someone else or possibly ruin their life by potentially/likely becoming a caregiver for me, even if that isn’t a guarantee and is possibly decades away.

It should be known that these were my feelings. These were my stresses & anxieties & questions. NOT Anthony’s. I gave him an out. I wrote him a letter, I told him it was okay if this wasn’t something he could live with… and he didn’t care. He didn’t want the out, he wanted to be there. He was scared, and he had questions, and he didn’t know what it meant yet but he was all-in. “In Sickness” understanding my “in-health” is not (nor was it ever) a guarantee.

I think in some ways I knew it would be harder if he still wanted me after we found out I had MS. If he wanted to love me through it and with it… then I couldn’t hide. I couldn’t be alone. I wouldn’t be able to do it “by myself” with whatever emotions or route I chose. I would have to accept support and love and care from him. I’d have to communicate with him. I knew if he was going to love me and my MS, it would be even harder. Not because I didn’t want to love him and say “I do” but because it is easier to face your battles alone sometimes.

In love we don’t typically choose to let the reality of “in sickness & in health” settle in until it forces its way into our lives without an invite.

I had to ask myself what “in sickness” meant for me. If I was going to say it to someone (and vice versa) I wanted to understand it for myself.

I came to define it as this:

“to encourage when hurting, to heal when possible, to support when challenged, to comfort when hurt, to strengthen when broken, to nurse when needed, to push onward relentlessly, to accept a rest, to pray…. through all of it, together.

Not just the big sicks either. I am talking about even a cold, the flu, a twisted ankle, a hang nail… “In Sickness” for even the littlest of things, can create a foundation for the biggest of “sicknesses” to rest on. The cancer, the MS, the surgeries, the car accidents, the broken legs, the premature babies, the mental health crisis’…. all of it.

We are 229 days away from saying “I DO” to all of it. We are 7.63 months from promising the '“in sickness & health” to each other with all of the questions, hurts, and unknowns that come with it.

The “in sickness” piece, for me, is tainted now. It isn’t as innocent. It doesn’t have an air of ignorance to reality. It has weight. It has knowing, now. It has experience. While it isn’t perfect or fair or dreamy…. I am reminded that if it isn’t MS, its something else… cancer, or a pre-mature baby, or a death in the family, or a random accident….. I don’t think “in sickness” has any limitations to what it can or will entails. A little cold or a life changing diagnosis, and everything in between.

I am reminded that there is beauty in our strength to accept this moment in life, this moment of sickness, in order to better appreciate and respect and enjoy our periods of health. It gives me great joy to no longer be able to take my health for granted, by being forced to acknowledge and respect my sickness.

My sickness has a name, MS. My health has no guarantees. In a few short months, I will make myself a Mrs. , with MS. I will have a partner to conquer all sickness and experience all health with.

In sickness and in health …

Charlotte Raejole