5 YEAR UPDATE
It has been 5 years since I was diagnosed with MS. 5 years since COVID started. 5 years since 2020.
Do you ever look back at photo’s of yourself and wonder who that person in the picture was? What they were thinking? Do you ever wish you could say something to your ‘self’ in those photo’s?
This is my letter to my ‘January 2020 - self’. Here is my ‘If I’d have known back then, what I know now.’
January 2025
Dear Self,
It’s January 4th, 2020 and you’re sitting in a random Dr’s office parking lot in Los Angeles, CA. You just got the affirmative diagnosis that you have Multiple Sclerosis [MS] . You aren’t sure who to call first or how you’re supposed to just ‘go home’. You’re alone in LA. Anthony just moved back to DC, and you’re supposed to join him in 3 months, but you haven’t even arranged movers or resigned from your job yet.
If I recall, you’re in absolute freeze, fight or flight mode. An agonizing mix of horror and honor is racing through your body. Like.. you know you’ll ‘be’ strong but you don’t want to HAVE to be strong. You know?
I truly wish you could watch your next 5 years play out as a movie full of joy and pain and loss and achievement. I wish you knew how incredible and WORTH it this will all be.
Here are the things I wish I knew when I was you. The things I think my inner spirit knew were prayers, but that my body and brain hadn’t yet come to know of as possibilities.
You will be okay. If it’s not okay… it will be… if it still isn’t okay… it will be.
You and Anthony will get married and buy a house …. and NONE of it will have any scent of MS on it. No dark marks, and no scarlet letter will hang over those moments.
MS has its place in your heart and in your story, but it is not your crowning achievement or the chip on your shoulder that drives your darkness. You will find light in the MS’ed Up Journey.
You’ll have a beautiful baby girl and immediate your ‘why’, your ‘purpose’ will be formed, crystalized, and finalized. As easy as breathing.
You’ll lose your job and question everything about who you are and what you’re worth. I promise you that you’ll be better off. [refer to bullet #1]
You find a lot of passion is moving the mountains around you. Don’t be afraid of that. Move the mountain, one pebble or stick of dynamite at a time. Go under it, over it, around it, or through it… but keep moving your mountains.
If you’re too much for others, tell them to ‘go-find-less’. -Elyse Meyers
Listen to your mother. Go to therapy. Say the things. Get the help. Find your peace. [I promise it is that simple]
The Dr. that saved your life in 2020 will leave the Neuro clinic in 2024, and you won’t have your incredible care team anymore. It will break your heart, but you will not lose her from your life. Dr. Nancy Hu will always be the greatest gift and joy and blessing to your MS’ed Up Journey. Hug her more. Bring your daughter to see her more. Find people that are as brave, and strong, and kind, and loving, and supportive as Dr Hu to raise your daughter around. The world deserves more people like Dr. Hu. Cherish her. She is 1 in 8 billion.
People will choose not to (or not know how to) show up for you in your life. Forgive them, Let them. Don’t beg them.
Please just buy bigger pants… Please stop looking at the size or the scale… it’s all a lot more fun when the clothes fit and you feel confident.
It’s not just the bleach blonde hair that will change in the next 5 years. You will change a lot too. You’ll find more peace in the patience than you ever imagined.
You will go 2+ years without ever spending a night away from your baby girl. You will never bother to ask for a night away. Your whole heart will look forward to bedtime prayers and singinging her the same bedtime lullaby your mommy sang to you, and her daddy sang to her. Do not apologize for finding joy in those moments.
Your mom and dad, and step mom and step dad will find immense and God-given healing. Make sure Lennon knows them.
Eventually, you will go DAYS without thinking about MS. It will be a twinkle in the air not a suffocating haze around you, someday. Give it time.
It is going to take time for all of these things to become your prayers and eventually become your truth, but when they do, you’ll never believe the incredible life waiting for you.
You’re going to be so proud of yourself. I guarantee it.
MS Update: Jan 2025
My scans show no new lesions. All scans stable. All quite on the MS front.
God is good. I am blessed. I pray I give you this same update every 6 months for the next 50 years.
Charlotte Raejole Falletta