MS & POSTPARTUM
June 2023.
In the same breath, life is Brutal & Beautiful. Brutiful.
I thought pregnancy would put my MS [auto-immune diseases] into remission, but that’s not actually how it works… and I wish I’d known what was more realistic. I had this idea in my head that my MS would be something I could ignore or pretend I didn’t have when I was pregnant, that nothing would change in my brain / spinal cord… looking back, that was foolish.
I had heard that MS couldn’t/wouldn’t progress (AKA-I wouldn’t get any new lesions) as long as I was pregnant. I assumed (incorrectly) that pregnancy protected me 100%. So I took a hiadus from taking care of my MS’ed up Journey. I pretended that I didn’t have MS. For 7 months I had no treatments, no dr appointments, no reminders of my MS. It was silent. It was beautiful. It was peaceful to pretend.
However… just because I wasn’t reminded of it [MS], didn’t mean it didn’t exist and didn’t mean it wasn’t always lurking in the background.
My pregnancy wasn’t easy. I was nauseous or throwing up for 7 months straight. I had no energy but I couldn’t sleep. I struggled to just do the bare minimum… and that meant I was less motivated to keep moving, care for myself and keep up with my usual “MS Wellness Protocol”. I ate whatever I could keep down, which meant a lot of processed food, and almost no fruits & vegetables. There were no morning/evening walks. I did not do my stretches or yoga for stability. I focused on the pregnancy and our new house. That was it.
Looking back I don’t think I realized what a privilege it was to pretend like I didn’t have MS. I was in this mode of making it through one day at a time. Eating, Drinking and sleeping took so much energy. So the additional “value add” aspects of my life, suddenly felt impossible. I am sure I could have gone on more walks or eaten healthier or tried to maintain my mobility more intentionally… but that’s not what happened… and my MS was always there with the potential to make it’s presence known at any moment.
I knew that once we had our baby, I’d have to address my MS, head on, but I (foolishly) ignored it until I had to. Lennon Lynn was born on March 23, 2023. I had my scans scheduled for a few weeks after she was born, and my apt with my Neurologist a few weeks after that.
In June 2023 I saw the Dr’s for the first time in a year. For the last 3 years every time I’ve seen my Neurologist I’ve always had great news. Every 6 months, the same report: No progress / worsening of my MS. There was even healing in my brain & spine from previous lesions. That wasn’t the case with my scans this time.
I expected my Dr.’s to smile, meet Lennon Lynn, tell me my brain looked better than ever, and confirm our plan to re-start treatments again in October or November. However, in my scans from May, there were 2 new lesions in my spinal cord. I am blessed that they are positioned in a way that makes their ‘visible’ impact minimal, but I was warned that could change at any moment.
I was stunned, terrified, completely destroyed by the news. I had just had a beautiful baby girl. We were raising her and loving life. And suddenly I had a massive reality check of my MSed up Journey. I had to focus on my health and my MS in a time when all I wanted to do was continue to pretend it wasn’t an issue.
I re-started my treatments a few weeks later and then I waited. I prayed the treatment would work as well as it had in the past. I prayed I’d find peace in the process again. I prayed we'd find a way to accept this season in life. I told almost no one of the results, the pain, the anger, and the changes. I chose to pray in peace and focus on Lennon. I had to focus on Lennon. I got a 6 hour infusion while I was holding Lennon in my arms. I was reminded that this life is Brutal & Beautiful. Brutiful. In the same breath, it is both.
And then. We waited.
Now… it is already 6 months later and it’s time for new scans, new results and another treatment in 2 weeks.