1 YEAR AGO, THE JOURNEY BEGAN

1 year ago this month my symptoms started. The Vertigo, the Tinnitus, the shaky vision, the spelling & speech issues. Small, perceivably insignificant, but they began 1 year ago and I took note. It would be 2.5 more months before I’d have a clearer MS diagnosis. In October 2019 My MSed Up Journey Began, and I didn’t even know it yet.

If life is funny, I haven’t been clued into the joke or I haven’t learned how to laugh through it, yet. My life is incredible and full and awe-inspiring. However, lately the tears overwhelm the laughter. And the happiness is being drowned out by my fears and questions.

I thrive off of creating process & success out of chaos. By trade I take a need and form a solution. However, I can’t seem to find that balance lately. My personal, physical, professional, relational, familial, and medical life are all in various degrees of upheaval or discomfort.

While I continue to wake up each day and execute my roles & responsibilities, I feel I have been doing it in a robotic, surface level manner. Almost in a self-preservation way to keep my heart, mind, soul, spirit and body from collapsing. Lately my ability to go beyond, take control, find stability, and hold myself accountable has been below-average at best. I typically love lists and metrics to measure my daily successes. I find great accomplishment and success in a day full of check marks or crossed off tasks. Except now, the lists overwhelm me, and the tasks take time my body cannot offer.

The only question is if this is a necessary pause from the mayhem filled rat-race or if it is a condemnation to a life of contentment & conceded defeat.

I’d like to assume I am only in a momentary pause. A time for breathing, gratitude, self-care, and love. Holding my life, love, family, and friendships closer than anything else. I turn, I could then allow the frivolous insignificant unnecessary tasks & things to float along undisturbed, incomplete and ignored.

Except, I cannot seem to shake the idea that perhaps it is a “new normal” a contentment that I cannot or will not be more than I am. That my life needs to settle for what it has or what it will be.

If I cannot change it, I should accept it. Right? Who knows….

My MS is in a minor-mild stage. Relatively unremarkable for its impact on my body as perceived by the outside world. Largely unnoticed by even my closest friends & family members. However, highly evident and impactful to me with each passing day.

1 year later, after the symptoms began, I am still getting to know myself as Charlotte Raejole, RR-MS. I have accepted it, but I know I have not made peace with it yet.

I say I haven’t made peace with it, yet, because I still mourn and grieve and find anger in the reminders, the changes, and my MS-moments. I still cannot clear a set-back or hurdle without the feelings of fear, loss, and terror. When my recent MRI scans revealed more lesions, I grieved for the potential loss of my memories & emotional stability. When my medications didn’t deliver on time, I found anger in another reminder of my inability to control or support myself & my body effectively. As I sat in the chair at the ENT’s office, I mourned the fact that no doctor can offer me relief from the ever-persistent ringing in my ears. I continue to feel a loss and an impact with each moment that reminds me that I have MS and I cannot control it. That is why I believe I have accepted it, but that I have not found peace in my present or future with MS.

1 year into the start of “My MSed Up Journey”, I still find myself wondering when I will wake up from my nightmare. When will the aches and pains go away? When will I have more answers than questions? How will I find peace in my war against MS? When is my process & control going to allow for the chaos to be quelled?

So what now? How does anyone live a life with no cure? How do I accept a world where my body will fail me and I cannot change it? When do I get to the point where peace and acceptance are one?

I accept that my battle is not larger or harder or bigger or worse or better than anyone else’s battles. My story isn’t a measuring stick for others pain to be weighed against. It is simply mine. My many battles in the war of life. My Journey. My Truth. The venting and struggles and anger will ebb & flow like anyone else’s rollercoaster of life. It isn’t stagnant and is far from perfect.

What I ask of myself is to appreciate the moments, and respect the uncontrollable. To be grateful for my own situational & self-awareness.

What I ask of others it to understand that I the process is an ever-perpetuating cycle with various stages within it.

I promise to continue to challenge myself and grow. However, I appreciate those who come beside me in my battles, and allow me to come along with them on theirs.

Ideas, suggestions, encouragements, reality checks, and insights welcome, wanted and appreciated. How do you manage your battles? Overcome your moments? Find peace in (y)our wars?

Cheers to a future full of peace to accompany our acceptance. The layer of calm in the chaos. The presence of hope & faith in the darkness.

Charlotte Raejole, October 2020.